Sometimes, the hardest part about coming back is being back.

Randomly stuck in my head at work today, and I had no clue what it was until my sister relieved my agony after I got home. Sweet bridge.

Simultaneously, also had this completely unrelated song stuck in my head and I don’t recall hearing it before ever.

Both were uploaded to youtube in February 2013. Weirddd!

Worship today.

The worship team of my current church is pretty stellar. Their voices are amazing, the blend is perfect, harmony is on point (they did “And Can It Be” a cappella today and it was incredible), and basically the sound is pristine. Today was no different, and there were some particularly high/soaring notes involved in today’s songs.

But I think what really made praise so awesome today (in addition to the One that we were praising, obviously) were the kids. The kids in our congregation all sit on one side, and there were all these tiny voices shout-singing the words to the songs. I don’t know if they believed what they were singing, or what some of the words meant. But they were singing their hearts out completely off-key and it was so perfect in its imperfection. 

I don’t think I’m doing it justice in my explanation, but hearing those kids really brought home praise for me. How we sing and live with our flaws and brokenness (not that I mean to compare their voices to the fall of man…) and it’d ordinarily be considered terrible, but how it becomes beautiful only because our song and lives are directed to God. And how this perfect and beautiful God hears our atrocious singing and not only accepts it, but loves it. Loves us. Wow.

"but Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."

                                                                                           Matthew 19:14

I wrote a poem today

It was odd, since I’m usually dozing off during the morning commute. But the poem just sprang up, line by line, all on its own in my head. So I jotted it down on my phone and put it away…but kept taking it out again because my mind kept fixing lines and trying to make it better.

It’s been so long since I’ve been creative.

I can’t believe poetry used to flow so naturally all the time, and now it was absolutely befuddling as to where it had come from. It reminded me of when I used to doodle on the piano and compose songs, when I had symphonies playing in my head and bought staff paper notebooks to get it all out, when I was more…creative.

I think trying to keep up with adult life has made me forget how to be me again. Or maybe this is me now - not really musical, not really imaginative, just completing day after day. I hope not.

it’s amazing how each new stage of your life involves “discovering who you really are,” when you’d think you learned that already…

Work Milestone (slightly)

I have officially been working at [insert company name] for one month. During this month, I have learned that:

- God has been preparing me every single little step of the way, from editing my life away at The Tartan to the stress-management skills after getting an assignment dump to organizing all those things with IFA (which is 80% of what I talked about in my interviews here). He is truly amazing.

- Although my commute is long, it has only emphasized the awesomeness of my parents and has deepened my appreciation for them immensely. Seriously. Parents endure so much for their kids, even if we think they don’t/haven’t from time to time

- I’m young enough in comparison to everyone else that my co-worker actually called me “chip” on my first day. Not sure what to make of this.

- Our CEO CHEWS HIS JOLLY RANCHERS WITHOUT SUCKING ON THEM FIRST. It’s painful to hear….I can’t even imagine how his teeth feel.

- My tendency to nap anytime/anywhere is still going strong, especially on the subway.

One month down…….who knows how many more to go.

Today was my first day of work.

I am………………………exhausted.

Praise God for the job and for the fact that I didn’t get fired or make a terrible fool out of myself and that I can do this again tomorrow.

But oh, so mind-numbingly tired.

Changes

They are happening, I think. 

If you’d asked me a few months ago how I would react when a fervent prayer had been answered, I would’ve answered with “ecstatic happiness, uncontainable excitement, more e-adjectives.” But now the prayer has been answered, and all I feel is…numb. Like it doesn’t affect that much of my life, or that I’ve finally been able to realize that my life/identity/being does not exist within the context of that prayer. And after a while, when the numbness has worn away, I feel praise — but not the near-frantic joy I expected. I think this is a good thing.

If the current situation I’m in now had occurred a few months ago, or even one month ago, I think I would have been freaking out a lot more than I am now. It seems like God (for some unknown reason) has decided to drop things that I’d been praying for into my lap one after another, only they kind of canceled each other out because they’re arriving at the same time. I used to agonize over the possibility of missed chances and plot out the path I might never take. But now that stress has been contained within one day (as opposed to the previous week or so), so I think that is good too.

If conversations that I guess might happen were to occur a few months ago, I might be able to delude myself into thinking that I am capable of always being the bigger, “better” person. I think I would have actually fooled myself for a while, until my subsequent thoughts proved otherwise. But now I see that I cannot be the bigger person, because I have not reached that point of growth yet. I realize that I need to, and why it’s a good thing, but why I don’t want to. So the self revelation is good, but the reluctance is not.

Maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough about these things, or maybe I’m growing up. Maybe God is changing me.

Foods in Pittsburgh that I miss.

Even though CMU received a C+ rating in food or something. 

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This is an uncomfortable place.

For people who know me, I am someone who organizes until the end of time. I make plans. I use my gcal (borderline unhealthily). I visualize every step until the end goal and execute them in order. Everything is scheduled. But actually, everything.

So right now, when I have not the slightest clue where my life is going next, it is more than a little difficult to be at peace.

I thought I was beginning to learn what trust was. Ever since I went to Pittsburgh, everything was moving so quickly that I had no choice but to just go with the flow. It kind of felt like I was holding on to this rope, and God was steering this powerboat at 23487835mph (that’s really fast), and all I could do was close my eyes and hang on. And then I would picture God chuckling with glee as I got spray in my eyes and water up my nose but still held on because there was nothing else I could do.

But this is kind of worse. Now everything seems to have stilled, and yet we haven’t arrived a destination that I’m expecting. Like I’m still holding the rope but now we’re floating aimlessly and there’s absolutely nothing happening. Maybe a fish nearby pops up every once in a while, but I’m pushing at this boat while God is just not having it. And I’m trying to figure out if I should be pushing in another direction, or swimming to the other side because I’m missing something, or just staying put and establishing my reputation as shark bait. Or none of the above.

I think before I went to Pittsburgh, I was trying to steer the boat myself and running into this invisible force field instead. The restoration that God brought forth during my visit gave me the willingness to climb off and just hold the rope. But now it’s starting to feel like I’m still running into a force field but just holding on to rope at the same time while God is doing something I can’t see (which is frustrating and worrisome but shouldn’t be).

It is uncomfortable to learn a little bit of trust and then discover that I haven’t even touched the issue of doubt.

Why did I use a water analogy? I don’t even like swimming anyway…